during one winter in providence – there was no ballet class around xmas and it was snowing – i was trying to play the ballet music on the violin after watching giselle from the state ballet of rhode island and nutcracker from boston ballet – i suddenly felt so scared – b/c the night was very very quiet – i wondered if the life was always going to be like this – will this be forever – forever the same – there’s no problem for warmth in the winter – no problem for food and pretty clothes – no problem to go to ballet classes – no problem to have a good future career – but i felt very scared – because i was thinking – am i in the future just going to be ‘like one of them’ – going to do a postdoc somewhere for 1-2 years – then join a tenure track professor-ship at some university – and marry an american – and have babies – and do what people usually do – and die – i felt so scared that life was going to be that deterministic – it’s a feeling of despair – altho i might be having fried chicken wings – watching the snow flakes – looking at my cat – and watching cartoons – but that feeling and having a lot of free time was scary
in providence – i would be able to hear birds at night and have problems to fall asleep and feel so annoyed that they started singing at 2-3 am because the neighborhood was so quiet – in providence i would have time to mix different juices, put a swan from caviar on the pasta , and sculpt radishes into swans
in london – maybe i still have that time – but i’m losing my mood and patience to do so sometimes – b/c of the noise and crowdedness – it was like i hopped onto a marry-go-around or the london eye – and started going round and round – without asking myself if i want to be on this wheel – without asking myself why i am on this wheel – but the wheel just started spinning .
here’s a very usual scene in my current life – sitting on the uber to order food from uber eats after working and tutoring till 10pm – well it’s 10 pm – the uber won’t become a pumpkin – that’s ok . i’m not scared of the current life – but i’m a bit disappointed at london – b/c i was born in a city that’s very materialised and crowded as well – at some point in high school in hangzhou – every day when i waited for the bus – i shopped for one new clothes – i don’t really care abt these things such as nice restaurants and malls to be honest . but i am very sure that my current job is the job that i wanted to do the most – meg said i was building a good foundation of future career – i tried to think so . maybe my job was the among the very very few things that i cared in london .
i’m so happy that next monday is a bank holiday and i got finally time to organise my flat a little bit – and to make up a lot of sleep .
maybe i should have gone to florida to watch the checkmate – but christopher didn’t look like as if he really wanted me to watch it specifically – i’m only going if he has a concrete plan to play together – he seems to be coming to london soon . i shall really go to boston soon to see my dad mr leeth – he will be amazed at how low i jump now b/c of the broken leg – but i’m too tired this weekend . i did some grocery today – hope to have more vegetables next week to lose weight – the lighter on toes in dancing the better .
hope to relax, breathe and think about life during the bank holiday.